I don’t like to pray. There, I’ve said it. And I know I’m not alone.
I’ve prayed at monasteries over a number of years. When I have the opportunity to talk to a Christian monk—someone who has devoted their life to prayer—I ask them lots of questions about their devotional life.
Here’s one conversation I had in 2019 that really encouraged me.
Me: What have you learned about God and the spiritual life after all these years in a monastery?
Monk: Well, waking up to pray at 3am gets pretty old sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I believe in God. Yet, I have experienced a depth of God’s love that’s hard to explain. Oh, and don’t complicate prayer.
I sat there for twenty seconds just taking in his words.
He would then talk about his wandering mind and feelings of restlessness during prayer.
Here was a man who has spent decades at this monastery being honest about his complicated relationship to prayer.
I felt at home in his words.
You know, when I said earlier that I don’t like to pray, I think I mean that it’s hard for me to pray. I’ve read at least 40 books on prayer over the course of my life (maybe more), and it still remains difficult.
Why?
Because my mind wanders.
Prayer can feel useless.
I’ve had many prayers go unanswered (at least in the way I perceive it).
I wonder if I’m wasting time.
Have you ever felt this?
If you do, you’re not alone. And yet, you can still start to pray.
I have found that the most important thing about prayer is showing up. And part of the showing up is being honest that I would prefer to remain absent.
I have found that the most important thing about prayer is showing up. And part of the showing up is being honest that I would prefer to remain absent.
This is the starting point of a life with God. It’s letting God know you don’t want to step into that prayer-moment. And surprise, surprise, (cue the meme with that singing lady) when you share your resistance to God, you’re already praying.
Funny how that works.
So, dear reader, if you find yourself stuck in your life with God through prayer, maybe this prayer might help.
A Prayer For Those Who Don’t Want to Pray, But Show Up Anyway
Lord, I’m here.
I’ve come to meet with you.
I’d rather be somewhere else.
I’d rather be doing something different.
But here I am.
Only you can awaken my heart to desire you.
I can’t make it happen.
But you can.
So here I am.
I sit here with a divided mind.
But I long for singularity of heart.
So here I am.